So, some generous number of weeks before my CCW permit expired, I filled out the renewal application, sent in the fee for the background check to the Department of Public Safety, and waited numerous weeks to hear back from them.  As they are not known for processing speed even with the expedite fee, this delay was sufficient for the elderly CCW permit to indeed expire, but, no big deal, okay.

Now the Arizona DPS is well known for, and brags on, certain highly racially motivated hiring practices outside of apparently the slightest viable qualifications.

Okay, fine.  I really don’t give a shit.  In addition, the State also brags about training practices which more or less rewards a “me to” participation paper rather than any specific set of workable standards as existed from when the Model T ruled the road and Harly Ds were a lot louder than they are today.  Okay, fine, fine, fine, I still really don’t give a shit or a wood nickel or a rubber nail to spike it with.

If they want to destroy themselves, more power to ‘em.

The weird started in when the first new CCW card came in significantly later than promised with the incorrect spelling.  Please keep in mind this is a card, which means there’s not a whole lot of complexity involved.  God only knows what’s in the computer.  I’m not guessing that one if you paid me plus, it might actually work in my favor.

Okay, not so fine. So I called it in and, after an hour plus and often testy conversation with a supervisor, they quite reluctantly did admit they made the error.  During the conversation, it was admitted that this particular division of DPS did not have access to any other ‘Zoner divisions and records such as my driver’s license as issued by the MVD, a closely cross-linked sister to the DPS.

But, the government admitted an error:  I almost had to run outside to watch the blue moon folks!  If I score nothing else in this lifetime, I’m good with that.

 Apparently, they also did not have access to my older CCW permit as well, which of course, had the correct spelling.  I thought this information oversight as being quite odd considering they issued the card in the first place.

For decades now, a DPS patrol officer can type in only your car’s license plate, and from that, almost instantly obtain a virtual library of rather extensive information as related to both your vehicle and person.

As example; should your insurance accidently expire, they will know it not only before you do, but also prior to asking for your proof of insurance.  In other words, the fib is trashed before it’s even spoken and you are going to eat a fine that could buy most of a drivable used car not to mention some real harsh tack-on fees depending on your State.

 Oh, but not these folks.  They are apparently 100% in the dark.  So, while still on the phone, they had someone pull up the actual, real-world paper application.  And low and behold, there was the correct, see it for yourself, not quite rocket science, spelling.  Well miracles happen, or at least it didn’t get rigged.  In Arizona, that would be a freakin’ frickin’ miracle folks.

So they decided to repair the problem and issue another card.

However, and about the largest however one can stick in a sentence, they, multiple times, staunchly insisted on me paying the $15 “change of name” fee.  Yes, Sir!

So, yet again I spoke with several different personnel throughout the division, and even with a “manager” insisting upon the fee because they were in fact changing the name and could not proceed without it.  A manager at Dominoes for instance, might pull that kind of stunt, however it would be their last day of work at the same time.

This reminds me of the legalese every well drilling outfit has; clearly stating they are charging for the drilling of the hole, and very specifically not, how much or if any, water is contacted.  In my experience at that job, the dowsers were right, and literally everyone else was not regardless of their college.  When it’s my turn to hire, I will personally be delighted to gamble a couple of huns, and even twice, against a many-grand expedition involving a 1,000 foot hole in sun baked Arizona.

Now, if a however can be thrown in reverse, it would look like this:  When I informed the fifth or sixth person I spoke to and a division “manager” at that, the next move would be a call directly to the Governor’s office, followed by an op-ed which would be published because I know my homies, and a possible story inclusion in my next book which does in fact cover that general arena, there was a reverse burn out the likes the first borrowed outing of dad’s big block Buick had never seen.

You bet your seat cushion they waived the blood-curdling obnoxious $15 dollar fee.

Not their damn victim brother.

So, after a promised so-called “expeditious” remedial correction, which covered the time span of almost three months, I did in fact receive a new CCW permit card.

I would suppose their definition of expeditious is not the same as mine.

BUT.  The new card, had the issue date which was correct, and the expiration date as precisely, precisely, the same day!

Now I’ve got three cards I can’t buy a black rifle coffee with at the gun store.  One is now long expired.  The second has the wrong spelling on it, and the third was good for exactly one 24 hour day being six months before it landed in my mailbox.

Ya, ya, ya, ya, I’m exaggerating.  No, I’m not:  This actually happened.

To be honest, at both rifle ranges my team inhabits and at least three gun stores, we laughed like hyenas over this seemingly impossible uh, goat-hump.

So, all the same phone calls, none of the same people, and a different “manager,” the same frickin’ fee argument, and with the same empty-ass but paid for expedite promise, the Goat-humpin’ next new card was sent out.

Yet another three months later, boom, they actually got the frickin’ stone simple card with a name, a date and a half of a line of data I supplied, right!

Sheesh.

This left me seriously wondering what the title of this story should be to the point where I couldn’t come up with anything rational: